Online dating dilemmas... Those moments that leave us scratchin

  • Online dating dilemmas... Those moments that leave us scratching our heads.

     

    Over the years we've had all sorts of weird, wonderful and wicked dilemmas, and thankfully here at Expat Dating we are fortunate enough to have our very own agony aunt.

    We asked some of our members to share their questions and quandary's on messaging, dating, and relationships.

    Question: Am I cheating?

    I have been "online dating" for almost a year now after my wife of 32 years passed away in early 2000. I am a man of a "certain age". My story is that I have been on two wonderful dinners with a woman I like very much, but I don't know how she feels about me. I am still talking to another woman on the website, and we too get on very well. She is planning a trip to my town and has asked to meet up with me. Would it be dishonourable if I were to meet up with her too, if I am still in contact with another woman?


    Answer

    In these situations, I invite you to ask yourself this; how would I feel if the woman I have been seeing, was also casually dating someone else? Does it make you feel angry, uneasy, or perhaps it makes you feel open and free?
    It's a question of perception; do either of you perceive that you are in a relationship yet? Have you openly discussed if you are 'exclusive'? Remember that both these ladies are on the dating website too, and may well be messaging or dating other people. However, in the world of online dating, trust is a delicate and powerful thing. If this woman were to find out you were planning to see someone else before you opened up and told her, it may break your relationship before it's even started.
    My advice is this; meet up with your new friend, feel free to casually date and have fun, but only you know when something feels more serious, and you will know the time to ask that question.... will you be my girlfriend?

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    Question: How do I tell him he's not my type?

    I'd been chatting to a guy online for months and we've been getting on so well. We started exchanging emails every day, three times a day and my heart would skip every time I saw a new email from him. I feel like he knows every single thing about me. When we finally plucked up the courage to meet, I was expecting true love. I met him off the train and my heart was thumping like crazy... and then, well it was a huge anti climax! He just isn't my type. I'd seen a picture of him but in real life I just felt muted, and I just didn't feel any sexual attraction, I felt like he's a brilliant friend but nothing more. He feels differently and now keeps saying he can't wait to see me again. I don't know what to do, I desperately don't want to hurt him!


    Answer

    It's a very unfortunate position to find yourself in, but I think you know what you have to do here. You have to be honest with him, even though it will feel brutal, it's the only thing you can do before it goes any further. He's probably not looking for a friend, so my best advice here would be don't try to be his friend. He will need space from you completely, don't email him, or check in. Sadly, the best thing to here is let him move on.
    This happens a lot, and we always advise using Skype/video chat before meeting with someone. Not only is it the safer option, but you will be able to tell if you still feel that spark. If you do, chances are that first date will be fantastic! 

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    Question: When will I find him?!

    I'm a woman in my 50s, I'm pleased to say my legs still look good, my waist hasn't expanded too much since my 30s, I spend time (and money) on my appearance, and I do get a lot of male attention. I don't always reply to the messages I get as there are too many. BUT I still haven't found 'the one'! I've been on a lot of dates but none have had any spark. I want to be in love again, and I'm starting to feel sad and frustrated about it, part of me wants to give up but where would that get me. Should I be doing something differently?


    Answer

    A few things come to mind here. How long are you spending getting to know the person before going on a date with him? There is no right or wrong way to do this, but it is sensible to exchange some deeper messages beforehand, and 'meet' your match on Skype. Still feeling good about him? Go on a casual date, meet for coffee, try not to be expect that 'spark' as you put it. Try to have fun! Have a giggle. Do you like him enough to see him once more? If you do, go for it! 
    Love and relationships are built on a foundation of mutual trust, attraction and connection; all you're trying to do right now is find someone you like enough to go on another date. Who has some (probably not all) the attributes you desire. Someone who makes you laugh. You probably won't be hit with a spark that knocks you off your feet, so try to relax and enjoy what it's front of you, rather than chase a fantasy.