Selfish or Self-less?
My friend Sammie had just phoned in tears because of a deep rejection by her boyfriend, Michael. She could not understand that after 3 years of dating the man of her dreams, he told her face-to-face that he wants to call it quits!
She was too upset to coherently verbalize her feelings; her pain went beyond words. The eternal question of WHY kept on going around. We made arrangements to meet, and get down to the root of the issues surrounding this event, which I may add; it was life-changing for Sammie.
On my way to her house I wondered how deep their love went. I didn’t have to wait much longer to get answers to my question. Upon my arrival, Sammie was in physical pain, manifesting right in her stomach, and she was confused beyond belief. The house was in a bit of disarray, and she looked like sleep had eluded her for a long time, not just overnight.
Turns-out, that Michael’s decision was not a light-one to make. He’s been wrestling with this for a long time; and evidently, shy of saying and doing just what he did, found himself with no other alternative but to make a clean break.
Why did he do it, did he ever even try to talk to Sammie about his own issues? Why such radical decision? Was there a hint of hope? Or was it all for the best?
The bottom line of Sammie and Michael’s situation was that she did NOT love herself enough. There wasn’t enough “Loving Me;” though there was plenty of “Loving You.” And Michael told her so.
Imagine Sammie’s shock. And yet this speaks to where love turns clingy, dependent, and needy. While Sammie thought that’s what she needed to do, Michael needed the Sammie he once knew, independent, self-sufficient, assertive, and self-loving. When things began to turn, Michael felt the pressure, while Sammie, went into her own fantasy world of trying to please her man, with no regard to loving herself FIRST. Somewhere along the line, his happiness was her happiness, and needing him became monumental. She no longer knew how to make herself happy, independent of Michael nor anyone else. And though he hinted at this issue for the past ten months, there was not a clear dialogue of what made him happy or unhappy, either. And so this emotional mess was formed, which could have been avoided had the boundaries and each other’s personal needs would have been established and spelled out clearly.
Many times couples can fail miserably at communicating basic needs, and what’s okay and what isn’t. When did Sammie become clingy and needy? When she lost her job of ten years 12 months ago. When did Michael start to resent her neediness? About three months later. And yet, the root of the emotions was never discussed. It was one of those things, if we don’t talk about it, it will go away. Mind you, she found a job shortly thereafter, but she was already hurt and vulnerable.
So you see, LOVING ME comes way before LOVING YOU.
CHECKLIST:
· Do you feel more frustrated than usual in your personal relationships?
· Are you prone to radical behavior?
· Are you afraid to hurt or be hurt?
· Do you need to speak up and don’t know how?
· Do you hurt because of a loved-one’s change in pattern and or behavior?
ACTION PLAN:
· LOVE is not supposed to HURT. Raise your awareness level to that effect.
· If it hurts, start looking at the root of “where” it all started.
· Change the pattern of putting your needs ahead of others.
· Value yourself above all else.
· Charity begins at home.
· Be assertive without being aggressive. If don’t know how, take a course on assertiveness.
· Have a support system where others can hear your issues so that they can offer good insights into your situation.
· If you feel needy or clingy, that’s your first clue that something isn’t working for you and for the other person.
· Get in the habit of doing little things that make you happy.
· Remember, self-worth equals net-worth.
· LOVING ME, LOVING YOU is an equal opportunity Cupid with a constant love fest going one.
· Always be honest, transparent and authentic.
· Love yourself for who you are.
Much love and success,