CLAIRE MEANY

Insincere people & how to spot them

Insincere people are not always so easy to spot.

Sometimes its their easy smile that pulls you in. It can be the promises they make or compliments to you that are convincing.

An insincere person is not revealing to you their true thoughts and feelings. Their behaviour, those compliments and empty promises… is an act with a purpose.

The purpose is what they want from you. Its the function you are serving for them at that time.

Insincere people have an agenda.

The English language has developed over a long period of time. This is why we have such expressions as ‘Wolf in sheeps clothing’ and words such as ‘charming’ or ‘captivated. A ‘charm’ is a spell and this is why we also have words like ‘spellbound’.

‘Wolf in sheep’s clothing’ message actually was written more than 2,000 years ago. It comes from the Bible. The Bibles message essentially is to be aware of who is purposely deceiving you.

An insincere person will be charming and draw you in because you are fulfilling a need for them.

Its not until later when their mask slips or when you realise their promises are empty ones that you get to truly examine how sincere this person is or was in the first place.

This can be an upsetting experience and it brings people to my therapy sessions. I am a psychologist, a professional psychotherapist and in my practice I see first hand the effect this experience has on people.

So, what to do about this? Be cynical or defensive for the rest of your life?

Allow their behaviour to change your friendliness and openness? Is that the right response?

Personally, I’d rather be helpful and friendly than cynical and defensive. Unfortunately it will happen that people will hurt you and let you down, it is part of life.

We get disappointed by others’ responses. Rightly or wrongly, this is part of human emotion and human experience. It affects us all at some point or another to have felt used, been lied to or gossiped about. Our trust betrayed.

To carry anger and bitterness hurts you not them.

To be resentful is actually toxic to you.

In truth, to forgive or get past these experiences is hard. The empty promises. The ‘friend’ that is no where to be seen when you need support. The partner that doesnt back you up, yet you have done so much for them for so long. How can a person not be resentful when this is part of the natural range of responses?

When clients come to therapy about this type of experience there is a lot of anger, feeling duped or conned or betrayed.

They don’t understand being dropped or being turned against or being thought of negatively by people they put their trust and faith in. How or why did this happen? This is a difficult experience but it is one that a therapist can help with.

Letting go is necessary, because the opposite is not a healthy choice.

What happens in a therapy session is the experience is talked through and the emotions worked through. How you think and feel about the experience changes due to this. Over time forgiveness and understanding can be possible. Therapy can bring a lot of peace in this way where otherwise bitterness and hurt lead the way.

We do things for people because we want to be nice and we want to be liked. It feels good to make another person happy. If you are taken advantage of because of your generosity then the likelihood is eventually either you will realise this is happening or the person will move on to their next target.

If you are finding yourself stuck in a pattern of giving to takers then help and support is there for you. Relationships that are healthy are balanced remember that.

If you can reflect on relationships in your life and notice that you are doing most of the giving and they, the taking, then chances are this is not a healthy relationship. Not a healthy sign and positive change is possible.