New Year resolutions are about changing and improving my-self, about creating another, a better version of my-self. But do I really know who I am. How much of this “I” is a posture, a programme that has been created to make me functional in the society and culture I live in. This posture is only a small fragment of me, a useful construction. I admit that I have attached myself to this small fragment because I mistook it for the real stuff. Nevertheless I am not going to work on it and try to improve it. I am going to question the notion of “I”. I am going to look for real me, much bigger and grander than the small ego. And to find the answer I am not going to ask my intelligent thinking mind either. It hasn’t been able to give me the answer for decades so I will look somewhere else.
I sit down, close my eyes and connect to my energy system – I feel my body, I am present. And now I can heed what is here. My thoughts – I observe them, their flow and change. I can detach myself from them, I am not them. And then I have a look at sensations and feelings in my body. I sense them, they are not all me. Neither are my emotions. If I can look at them “something” bigger is looking. There is this background of awareness there and I observe it too, so I can go even beyond it. Who is there/here? Who AM I? I know that I don’t need to improve and change this I, it is already perfect, complete and magnificent (using words of my friend Barbara) and changeless. It is everything and nothing. It is not two. “It is not this and not that; it is not both and not either.” And it is I. My teacher GP Walsh calls it “light at the center” and it is with me, always present. I can’t explain it with words. I and you – we can only experience it.