Costa Women Blogs

Today, at ‘Coffee Break Solutions’ in Marbella, we discussed ‘Do we give up too much for love’ and it led to some interesting discussion points. When we addressed, ‘what is this love we are in’, exploring the idealism of love, conditioned beliefs about love, and the chemical attraction that draws us to each other, it led to a rather disturbing realisation, that threatened to pop the love bubble – that this love we are in, could be addictive; oxytocin certainly make us feel better, so why wouldn’t we want more, in the same way as we can become addicted to the endorphins of exercise.  And, as with the addiction of exercise, could the same be said for this romantic love – as wonderful as it feels, could this love become an unhealthy addiction? We solved this matter with a simple question that you can ask yourself: ‘Is this love that I am in, having an overall positive influence on my overall personal happiness, or not?’ When we give up too much for love, perhaps because we are addicted to it, or because our beliefs and ideals of what love is, and how we ‘should’ behave towards the one we love, mean that we always say ‘yes’ to the needs of our beloved, but ‘no’ to our own needs, what can happen, is that resentment forms, and the flame of love, fuelling the love drug, begins to whither. This made us realise that we need to develop love awareness. This means being conscious about how the love drug is affecting our overall life. In the beginning, we may be happy to give up many things for love, but in the long-term, we can feel that we are missing out on life, and indeed, the many other wonderful aspects of love, because love is many things, not just a romantic, chemical-induced attraction So then, how do we enjoy the romantic attraction, the intimate connection and the feel good factor, without becoming so addicted to love, that it affects the overall quality of our lives? I believe the answer is in conscious self-love. Conscious self-love, means that we know what matters, and that we ensure these qualities that truly matter us; the people we love, the things we care about, the practices that matter,  and the truth we stand for, does not get flooded by our romantic love, but that rather, we maintain balance in our love. The beauty of self love, is that we are more confident when we love ourselves, which is attractive. We still enjoy the love drug, and we still maintain the qualities and values that matter, so that our lives are richer, more fulfilled, broader, and there is no need for any underlying resentment to build, because we are not giving up the things that truly matter, rather, we are finding a balance. In this scenario, we set the scene for something far better than the romantic love, that can often last for only a honeymoon period, we set the stage for eternal love, because when you truly love yourself, and honour your values, and live them, you are fulfilled, so you feel happy, and  when you are happy, you have more love to give because it simply radiates from within you, you do not even need to try to love, you just do. Imagine if both partners did this; if both partners loved themselves first,  surely an even greater, deeper, stronger, ever-lasting love, is born. Questions to consider: What matters to you most? What do you need to bring into your relationship, so that you feel happier and have more love to give? What do you need to stand up for? What do you need to ask your partner for? In what way could you value yourself more? And perhaps one of the most notable points of our discussion was in two words, ‘choice’ and ‘acceptance’. If we consciously choose, to give things up for love, then it choice made willingly, so resentment does not build. It only builds on ‘should’ and ‘ought’ and fears. The other word is ‘acceptance’. The love drug is a wonderful thing, but it does necessarily involve understanding, acceptance and compassion, and these are the qualities of true, ever-lasting love. They develop when we understand and accept and love who we are, because only in doing so, only through self-love, can we truly love another. And the beauty of these qualities, is that they generate an inner flame of love, so we can feel the beauty of love, as we choose, whether our partner is near or far, the love is forever true because it is within, it is eternal, for as long as we choose to love, and it can grow – because the more love we have within, the more love we have to share. So I have come away from our discussion, still very much a romantic, but now I understand why loving the  self matters more, and it not selfish, as I grew  up to believe, indeed now I understand why it is what the world needs , and self love may very well be our best gift to ourself, each other, and to life. ————————————————————————————————————————————————————————- Coffee Break solutions are free talks, on love, life and the mysteries of the mind. They take place monthly in Marbella, Sotogrande and Gibraltar. I offer a safe and confidential space for women to explore how to  generate greater self-esteem to confidently ask for what matters, and to bring more of what matters into your life. Learn more at: www.antoniabehan.com

How to ask your partner for something, if you want it to happen! is the first in a series of tips taken from our ‘Ideal Relationships’ workshops. Today’s tip is from David’s workshop on the differences between men and women.   Caution! We talk about the ‘typical’ man or woman in ways that we and many others have found useful in understanding and improving their relationships. But always bear in mind: every person is a beautiful and unique individual, too wonderful and complex to be limited by any arbitrary categorisation. The world has many women that are ruthless, results focused business machines, and likewise many men that are great at colour coordinating soft furnishings. A man can be a sensitive and diplomatic communicator, a woman can enjoy a good fart joke. There are no rules, only guidelines…   Men are direct, women are indirect   In past times, it was a survival skill for men to make quick, clear requests while hunting or fighting, whereas women developed a more cooperative, nurturing style that avoided possible offense. Thousands of years’ later our society needs and beliefs may have changed, but the way our brains are wired is still catching up.   Women say ‘would you like to do X’ or ‘could you do X’ when they want you to do something. Another woman will correctly interpret this as a request and would probably be offended if they were asked more directly.   However, a man’s response (probably not voiced) would be ‘no’ and ‘yes’ respectively, and in both cases probably not result in any action. Likewise, a hint that ‘X needs to be done’ will probably get a grunt of agreement that X indeed does need to be done, but no agreement that the man being addressed is the one who should be doing it.   Women: say to a man ‘Please do X by time T’ He may still choose not to do it, but at least he will be clear what you wanted.   Men: when a women uses indirect language, either do it as if it were a direct request or at least probe for further instructions (and women, don’t take that as obtuse, he’s actually trying to be helpful).   Also men: women of course fully understand a direct request, but may find it a bit rude. Saying ‘make me a sandwich, woman’ will probably be less effective than ‘it would be great if you could make me one of your lovely sandwiches, darling, if you have a spare moment’. It takes longer to say, but you do get a tasty snack for your efforts – totally worth it!   Pictures by Leo Reynolds & Nataliej

You may have expected the subject of my Valentine’s Newsletter to be all about hearts and flowers, and loving each other more.  Of course I want all that for you; and I also know that loving yourself more must be your most important priority.  That’s why on this Valentine’s Day, I want to talk with you about abuse, and how to recognize it in your life.  So I’m going to jump right into the subject. Physical and emotional abuse always go together.  Physical abuse is easier to recognize.  If a woman is being physically abused by her partner (or vice versa) there is usually tangible evidence of the abusive act or acts: bruising, scarring, broken bones, swelling, etc.  Though the victim may do their best to try and hide their injuries, the physical evidence is there; and it will also have emotional consequences. The victim could become withdrawn, or feel angry, anxious, depressed, shame-filled, suicidal; even guilty that they have somehow provoked the violence. Emotional abuse can be overt or subtle, but it’s abuse nevertheless.  It can manifest as control, manipulation, demeaning language, sabotage, invalidation, paranoia, anger, guilt trips, withholding affection, threats, etc. You cannot experience one type of abuse without the other also being present.  When the abuse seems to be only on an emotional level, it’s usually much harder to recognize and admit to by both parties.  There may be no evidence of physical abuse on the outside, because the abuser has not touched his or her victim physically.  However, I believe that physical abuse still occurs.  The stress of living with abuse of ANY kind causes damage to every cell in the body; and it also alters the brain.  If emotional abuse is ongoing, there could be a breaking point, causing the abuser or the victim to resort to physical violence. When a partner is the being physically abusive, it’s important to recognize that you are in an abusive relationship, and get help immediately.  Find support to help you leave that situation, and get to a safer place. What about when emotionally abusive behavior is perpetrated upon us by friends, family, co-workers, your boss, strangers, etc. What do you do then?  At work there are laws to protect you, but in reporting abuse you also risk being fired; having the abuser escalate his/her behavior; or being ostracized by your co-workers, who may not like the fact that you are a whistle-blower.  You can either leave your job; or take the risks mentioned, and report the abuse.  I’ve experienced all these work situations, and though it wasn’t easy, I am happy that I remained in integrity; and ultimately had much less stress in my life. Abusers must be named as such. Strangers are easier to deal with.  You can remove yourself from a temporarily abusive situation. Walk away. Do not engage with them.  Friends are a different challenge.  If a friend continues being abusive, invalidating, judgmental, demeaning, etc. divorce them! No one needs friends like these. The same rules apply for abusive family members.  Just because you are related, does not mean that you have to tolerate their abusive behavior. Suggest that you go to family counseling together; or to a relationship coach, so you can learn new ways of communicating with each other.  Allow some time for both of you to practice new behaviors; and keep your boundaries strong and healthy. The most important thing is to KNOW that you are being abused. If you are made to feel small, invisible, insignificant; that it’s always your fault; and you feel unheard, unloved, disrespected, manipulated, controlled, then you are being emotionally abused.  Get some support to help you communicate with the abuser differently. Again, I must stress that if the abuse is physical in ANY way, and that means even pushing, and shoving, then you must remove yourself immediately. If you have children, you owe it to them to model healthy behaviors by getting away from the abuser. Whatever the situation, LOVE YOURSELF MORE, so that you can to change your circumstance.  That’s the best Valentine’s Gift you can give yourself. If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, have the courage to tell them that you recognize the symptoms of abuse they are experiencing; because they may not be able to admit this to themselves.  If you know someone who is an abuser, do them the same favor, and call it what it is – abuse.  Abusers, and those being abused, may get angry with you for being so forthright, but in the end, they will feel a sense of relief.  You helped them KNOW something consciously that they have been hiding for too long. If you need help learning how to communicate your feelings more appropriately; and you’d like some strategic support to help you change your life for the better, please contact me.  For the rest of February, I’m offering a FREE Strategic Relationship Coaching Consultation to help you bring into consciousness what your next step to a magnificent life should be.  First come, first served, as I have a limited number of slots available.  Email me now to book your Free Session:  chrisplatel@consciousconnections.com Help someone you know by sharing my Newsletter with them.  Please spread the word that abuse cannot be tolerated. I wish you the Courage to KNOW…   Chris

Back from a fabulous two week break in Spain to a wet and windy UK hasn’t left us with holiday blues, but a sense of excitement as we begin our plan to move to Spain in 36 months. We might seem like the typical middle aged couple, (we met lots in Spain) who are looking for a stress free life in the sun but both Chris and I in our separate lives have both planned moves abroad in the past. Our fortnight in Spain wasn’t spent by the pool or on the beach like some, but by travelling around the Axarquia region stumbling on village after beautiful village, deciding that each new village would be where we would make our home in Spain! Chris also had lots of fun taking our small hired Mazda on twisting and turning dirt roads across beautiful mountain ranges. So by day three, we had made up our minds that we would work towards moving to Spain and have given ourselves three years to do it! Now we are home, Project Spain is well under way, sad I know but I’m using Prince2 methodology for tasks and time-scales and much web research has already taken place. We want to record our journey using this blog and hope you enjoy reading it. Below a view taken from A-7000 towards Malaga.

In response to your interest in some of my blogs, I have created, ‘Coffee Break Solutions’. These are free, monthly talks and discussion, at cafe’s between Gibraltar and Marbella. I thought we’d continue with. ‘Do we give up too much for love’ starting next week, followed by ‘Mind Management’ in March. Full details at: www.antoniabehan.com To ensure quality discussions, I’ve limited each event to 8 people. You will need to reserve with me beforehand. I look forward to meeting some of you, engaging in some lively discussions, and making new friends. Antonia

Please bare with me, as I attempt to answer these two big life questions that do determine our destiny…  It’s a long piece I’ve written this time, but if you have the patience to read it all, i’d love to hear your comments…  Thanks… On one hand, I can understand we shun the ‘spiritual’ messages of love, peace and harmony that Jesus, Budda, Mohammad and the Hindu have been reciting over and over again for thousands of years… as we have buried our ‘innate intuitive knowing’ deep within us and no longer recognise the ‘magnificent’ part of ourself… our ‘divine’ self… Instead we have chosen to conform to the will and wisdom of others… living as lap dogs to the ones we call ‘great’ among us… But now we are hearing a very similar message from the new scientists… love rather than fear enables everything to grow in harmony instead of shutting down in a protective mode…  Is there nothing inside of us that stirs our curiosity to pick up that new ‘quantum physics’ book or newspaper article and try and understand what it is telling us about how the human body and the universe truly works….or have we become so laid back and content with our role of victim and the belief that we are violent animals and our genes determine our destiny… so why do we bother… I had to giggle this morning when I saw how a 22 year old Italian footballer was one minute shown by the media being so utterly disrespectful and ignorant and the next minute being greeted back home by all his fans when arriving back in Italy… ‘He’s our Hero’ everyone shouted… and the 22 year old held his chin up high and smiled…  this is so typical of how we live now… it is one big joke… and we are all responsible for it… We reward disrespect and ignorance with so much money, praising ‘famous celebrities’ all in the presence of our children… who learn that this is normal and good behaviour.  We walk past people living in squalor, we are frightened of the impending terrorism from religious fanatics, we choose to vote for one of the political parties… knowing they are all as ego-minded and power hungry as the other and we educate our children and future medical professionals with ancient scientific theories… Are we really so content and happy with how we live now?  Or is it that we feel there is no point in standing up for ourself and making the best of our life… because of all the limited beliefs we have taken on…  and hearing the continual sermon from the local church… that we are all born sinners and mere pawns under the thumb of GOD… so all good reasons not to give a dam… and oh yes…  the continued pumping of all these pills from the doctor that is making the body act a little strange… Luckily I was brought up amongst people who taught me to question life, ask and be curious… and something inside me had always  ‘known’ that there was something more to our physical life that could be seen, heard, smelt, tasted and touched…  This inquisitiveness and intuition has guided me to many lands, people and books, which I have distilled and is now a part of my expanded consciousness.  My awakened 6th sense tells me, that we are all indeed interconnected, all equal, unique and all-powerful divine creators and over the years I have had confirmation from the side of spirit and science that this is indeed a powerful truth… Understanding Physics… and how the body and universe really works… simply said… Physics is the foundation of all science… of how the world works… but still today, most of us rely solely on the ‘out dated’ Newtonian version of relativity/the state of our existence… Newton physics still applies in the large scale world, predicting events in time and space… but because of its limitation, it does not work in the ‘subatomic’ world where only probabilities can be predicted… because at the subatomic level, phenomena cannot be observed directly… as it cannot be detected with our 5 senses…  During the last 85 years however, many scientists are following on from Einstein’s invisible quantum world… discovering more and more about physical atoms… being made of vortices of spinning and vibrating energy, each radiating a unique signature… Quantum physics is known for ‘now your see it, now you don’t’ … as the atoms have different structures depending who is looking and what you’re looking for… sometimes it is a solid particle and sometimes it is a wave of immaterial force…  Our material world seems to appear out of thin air, if you look at the atoms of a book you are reading, you will see nothing under the microscope… Einstein recognised that energy equalled matter that they were one and the same, interconnected and dynamic to make the whole of our universe where there are no absolutes because at the atomic level, matter doesn’t exist with certainty… So with all this in mind, ‘Newtonian physics’ can no longer offer the whole truth of the human body and the universe.  The new quantum awareness has given rise to many discoveries… electronic miracles… TV’s, computers, cell phones, scans, lasers, rocket ships… but still the conventional medicine hasn’t incorporated quantum physics and energy into their research and teachers college…  They continue to believe in the power of chemicals and the scalpel, believing that the body parts are stupid and need outside intervention to maintain health… rather than the power of the mind and body… but as Bruce Lipton says, ‘maybe it’s not just dogmatic thinking but also financial… after all if the body and mind could heal itself… what would happen to all the doctors, the teaching, the chemical research and the pill industry’…  In fact it’s the pharmaceutical ‘doctors’ that are updating our medical doctors with their latest chemical research and advising what is good for our modern diseases…  (very scary..) Do Gene’s control our destiny… Epigenetics is the name of a new science under the quantum physics, which means ‘control above the genes’…  It is an interesting science of how environmental signals select, modify and regulate gene activity.  Our genes are constantly remodelling themselves in response to life experience… While proteins are the physical building blocks of a cell, complementary environmental signals are required for their movement and all this happens in the membrane, the brain heading up the command, even overriding local cells in an emergency situation (fight & flight action). There are two response switches that a cell responses to from the environment, either to grow in a nurturing and loving environment or to protect in a toxic and fearful environment.   The body can promote growth or protect itself… not both…  Positive and loving thoughts and actions are now known to have a powerful impact on our behaviour and genes… when they are in harmony with our subconscious mind…. (the place where our beliefs are stored on record)… Smart cells are showing scientific evidence that genes DO NOT control biology.  Yes, genes and DNA are part of our blueprint that determine our potential… but not our destiny… we have free will and every moment as we interact with our environment, we make our choices that influence our body and cells… without changing the genetic code…  Cells also respond to our thoughts and perceptions and the flow of this energy of information in a quantum universe is holistic.  Energy is information and travels fast between each cell… actually you could say instantaneous…  Each human body is a cooperative community of about 50 trillion single cells and when studying these cell communities, Bruce Lipton came to the conclusion that we are not victims of our genes but masters of our fate and able to create a peaceful and loving life.  After all, we are made in the image of GOD… of NATURE… But genes still control biology… even though there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary…. but doctors continue to brush the evidence under the carpet…. *The man who didn’t believe that viruses and bacteria are the cause of disease… he drank a glass of water laced with vibrio cholera and wasn’t infected… *The people who take placebos and recover because they believe they were taking ‘real’ medicine… *The people who think they have had surgery for an arthritic knee and walk normally without pain afterwards… *The people who walk on hot coals not being blistered or burnt… *The people who are infected by the HIV virus and don’t express the disease… *The people who spontaneously recover from terminal cancer… Henry Ford said it in his working life, ‘If you belief you can or you can’t… you’re right’…  This is because your beliefs act as filters changing how you see the world and your biology adapts to those beliefs… When we recognise that our beliefs are that powerful, we hold the key to our freedom… While we can’t change the codes of our genetic blueprints, we can change our minds… New biology is a co-operative journey among powerful individuals who can programme themselves to create joyful and loving life’s… Now more than ever it is imperative that we understand the true role we play in programming our children’s lives…  It is in everyone’s interest to be conscious parents and create a life of love, health and joy for our young ones… without the aid of genetic engineers and addiction to drugs….  Are we ready to belief in another way of living other than the body as a biochemical machine or as a violent animal destined to be destroyed in our search for survival?  It’s not about throwing out the old classical physic principles but to bring the two together, just like we can’t ignore either science or spirit, man or woman, but bring the best of each together.  It’s about bringing everything into balance…   We have become so dependent on the spoken and written word that we have neglected our ‘energy sensing communication’ … the native tribes of the world can sense water underground and medicinal plants to heal the body…  and what about yourself walking into a room where the atmosphere feels good or bad…  Quantum physics reconnects the body, mind and spirit…  they are all matter and energy interconnected… I call it the body consciousness…  Surely it is time for more research concerning energy as it has been proven to be more efficient in affecting matter (our physical body) than chemicals… it is much faster and less invasive…  When are we all going to wake up to these new facts?  Why do we continue to belief otherwise??? But first we have to understand the difference between our subconscious mind and our conscious mind…  The subconscious mind is our autopilot, a habitual memory house containing all the knowledge we have been told, seen and experienced… it is our programmed software, which works only in the present time…  It is who drives your car when you are talking… remembers how to get dressed and put on the light…  If it believes something, no positive words will convince it otherwise…   but there is hope…  The conscious mind on the other hand is our awareness, past, present and future…  it supports the subconscious habitual programs and has the power to be spontaneously creative in responses to environmental stimuli.  It is self-reflective in nature and observes our pre-programmed behaviour… and can step in and stop the behaviour and create a new response…   It is our conscious mind that offers us free-will so we are not complete victims of our programming… Although we have to learn to be ‘forever present’, aware at all times, as our subconscious programming could take over… The two minds are a dynamic duo working together but it can get complicated when the conscious mind… the voice of our thoughts has a great vision about our happy future… and the subconscious mind’s part in it…as it will be exactly as it was programmed… After all we downloaded without question our behaviour from observing other people…  The learned behaviours and beliefs acquired from others, such as parents, peers, teachers may not support the goals of our conscious mind.   Our biggest impediment to realising our dreams, are the limitations programmed into the subconscious.  These limitations influence our behaviour and play a major role in determining our our life, our health… Conventional methods for suppressing destructive behaviours include drugs and talk therapy and have failed to bring the dynamic minds into balance… The hope is to accept the subconscious mind as it is and reprogramme it.  There are new approaches for doing this which involve quantum physics, connecting energy and thought…Energy psychology or as I like to call it Energy Dynamics and part of the New Energy Consciousness…   Can we imagine though, that all this ‘reprogramming’ wouldn’t be necessary if we were all conscious parents in the first place, radiating love, joy and fun… and everyone would create a successful life…  Utopia… Lets not wish… lets do it…  Thank you to Bruce Lipton… who’s book ‘The Biology of Belief’ I enjoyed reading very much and inspired me to write this piece in answer to two very important life questions…   Barbara Franken… Divine Teacher & Explorer… Inspiring New Energy Consciousness…